Judge My Inadequacies

2011-10-17T20:42:00.001-07:00

Ninety-five South

The aftertaste of cigarettes still in my mouth

The smell of your perfume still stuck in my clothes

We do not dare speak of what everyone already knows

2011-10-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

I wrote you a song for every city you'd been

You left every time a new season rolled in

Why you had to go, I could never understand

Were you looking for yourself or just a helping hand?

I've been trying to reach you

I need you to teach me

Just what I am

You said I could call, I could call you anytime

But I feel you and I have crossed some very thin lines

So now I don't know where I stand amongst this mess

I've been searching with no luck for the answers deep inside my chest

Overhead the stars were shining for just us two

You were as happy with me as I was with you

First you kissed my hand, then you kissed my cheek

Then you turned my face and said, "Darling, you are all I see."

Now the weather's cold and you are away

As the sun rose I knew you couldn't stay

Now I'm stuck in Jersey, I don't know what to do

And I don't know how to stop myself from loving you

2011-06-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

I believe in the aesthetic.
I believe in the mystic but not the medic.

2011-04-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

The rain providing the backdrop for sad, slow songs. Sadness filling my heart, filling the room, filling the world. Boys and girls singing of pain they have never experienced, myself included. Knowing nothing of loving. Giving added weight to a weightless affair. Believing things to be more than they are. Watching it slip away in a matter of moments. Coping and failing.

2011-03-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

How many second chances does it take
How many promises do you have to break
Before "This is the last time"
Is really the last time

How many things have to go wrong
How many things must go awry
Before "Everything is gonna be fine"
Is really gonna be fine

Well I know who you are
And I know where you've been
And I've learned not to believe you when you say
"It won't happen again"

Well I know you
And we are nothing but lovers and fools
Chasing love and getting fooled
In this God-forsaken cyclical circle of perpetual doubt

Well I've been stuck thinking
About life and how I'm living these days
So sit down and bottoms up
'Cause I'm certain, yeah, I'm certain that there's no way to get out

That's all I've got so far.

2011-02-28T16:15:00.003-08:00

My habits have gotten worse
But I think my heart has grown
I think I've given more love
Than that which I've been shown

I Wrote This Today

2011-02-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

Send some Southern sun
Send some waves my way
Ain't nothing but snow and Jersey blues here
At the end of every day

I'll be missing you
When you're on the beach
Though your heart is locked up
I hope your soul is finally free

You'll never know
How I will keep you close
In time I will show
That in me you'll always find a home

I still think
Of all those times
We'd stay out late
Then go on long morning drives

You'd tell me secrets
As I held your hand
I'd say things
That only you could understand

Whatever happened to the beauty in our lives?
All I see is sadness and pain when I look into your eyes
There's just a few weeks left 'til we can go on another drive
So please come home, but take your time
Then you'll see how pretty life can be.

2011-01-31T14:54:00.000-08:00

Forget black and white
I've been dreaming in gray
It's funny how easy the colors can fade
When you put down your shovel
And put down your spade
Stop working on this small patch of land that you made.

2011-01-14T21:45:00.001-08:00

I got teary-eyed but I didn't let them fall
Partial disbelief you'd walk away from it all
Partial understanding that we've hit our wall
On the phone again hoping you'll answer my call
Trying to remember what it was that I saw
Inside of your brain or your face or your heart.

2011-01-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

My pen smooth on this paper
Like your hands smooth on my skin
My words are begging to be let out
As you're begging me to let you in
But I don't know how, and I don't know where
The line is drawn, or if you care
To let you in would be the death of me
And I'm not sure how much you'd actually believe
I don't need a ring, though I offer you my hand
I just want you to know how and who I really am
And I just want to know that despite my foggy brain
You'll always love me just the same.

2011-01-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

Somebody bring up the lights
Count the hits, decide the fight
She's been going blow-for-blow
With herself for days

2011-01-07T09:59:00.000-08:00

I need a change of scenery
Everything here's just flattery
There's far too much symmetry
And nobody seems real

2011-01-05T10:16:00.001-08:00

Take a drag
Hold it in
There's a buzz in your brain
And sex on your skin

2011-01-03T10:22:00.001-08:00

Give me open water and skies overhead
On the boat the planks will act as my bed
My own living coffin without the walls
The rain will wash me away, but let it fall

2011-01-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

There's a haze clouding over my vision
It's come about time to make a decision
On the edge of the world all I see is blue skies
To enjoy the view, all you gotta do is take a dive

It's a long drop, oh, it's a damn long drop
But they say the thrill is worth the fall
And I'm so close, oh, I've never been so close
But chances are that it'll amount to nothing at all

This is not a love song.

2011-01-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

Acoustic playlists, self-centered introspection
You think my universe is so self-centric
You've never seen how deeply I can care
As if I was never here
And you were never there

I still love you even though
You see right through me
I still love you even though
You act like you never even knew me
I still love you, and I hope
That in the end you're always happy
That's all I ever wanted, after all.

2010-12-30T21:07:00.001-08:00

The starting line, the parking lot
The only place we never fought
Never made war, only love
Just inches beneath the stars above

Three years now and the words have changed
But the hidden meaning still remains
In every word, on every breath,
"I love you 'til I meet my death."

I think it's a bit excessive, but I like the rhetoric.

2010-12-29T21:49:00.000-08:00

How many more secrets
How many white lies have been told
My stomach's knotting up
As this story begins to unfold

2010-12-27T15:31:00.000-08:00

Wild nights make for rough mornings
It comes on to you with out even a warning
The sky blazes red but you feel a bit green
'Cause you're young and naive and still new to the scene

You knew this would happen
So you just let it come

Hold on
Don't try to get so gone
Take your time, you'll know when it's right
But you get so caught up in the feelings and the bright lights
Stay still
You say that you won't
But you know that you will

Wake up, dust yourself off
Count all the glasses and bottle and red cups
Look around and see what you did
You know you're getting older, but you still feel like a kid

You knew this would happen
So you just let it come

Hold on
Don't try to get so gone
Take your time, you'll know when it's right
But you get so caught up in the feelings and the bright lights
Stay still
You say that you won't
But you know that you will

Face it, you know things are different
Things had to change but you still won't admit it
Your friends all can tell and you know they're concerned
Seems like there's always one more lesson to learn

You knew this would happen
So you just let it come

2010-12-26T19:29:00.000-08:00

It's nobody's fault
We were just shadows on the wall
And we both knew that everything was wrong
And nothing could be right
But no one gives a shit
So it's not worth the fight anymore

We were just trying to find a way
To have some fun and make our own glory days
But glory days were never true
So we were stuck, just me and you
Facing what someone else had done

And as you threw the car in reverse
I tried to think of how this could get any worse
The engine then sputtered and died
Like a kind of forewarning suicide
And though it may seem like a stretch
A racing heart can be hard to catch
God never really could save a wretch
And into our hearts, sorrow was etched

No one is perfect, we should know
And now we've got nowhere to go
So we just sit and watch the clock count time
We know we're just two people in the line
To sell us out

But what really matters now?

2010-12-25T22:21:00.000-08:00

She grabbed her bags and walked out the door
She knew to save all her goodbyes
She knew that to the people here
It would not matter if she cried

She was leaving all she had once known and loved
The people she once held higher than the heavens above
She got in the car and hit the gas
Gazed at the trucks and trees as they passed

She cruised along and hit the gas and never looked back
There was to much to learn, too many bridges to burn
Once they were crossed, all would be lost
The thought of this crossed her mind
She sped up the car to make it there in time

Upstate she knew she'd find her fate
Among the rolling hills and creaky farm gates
A distraction from her torment from the moment she arrived
Being numb here is the only way to survive

But distance don't help when your heart is back home
Despite all her plans, she still felt so alone
And nothing and no one could stop here tears
The happy days past were all she could see

So she played her guitar and as she sang she would laugh
Because the one thing she wanted was the thing she couldn't have
So she kept on a face for day after day
Because she had loved something, she gave it away

2010-12-23T22:47:00.000-08:00

Deep in my soul
I will always know
That wherever you go
Or wherever I go
Whatever roads we choose to take
However many times our hearts my break
Through the fighting and crying
Your drinking and lying
My sobbing and sighing
Though world keeps us apart
We still hold each other's heart
I have yours and you have mine
In the end I think this will all work out fine

2010-12-23T00:02:00.001-08:00

I know I said I was going to post these chronologically, but I just wrote this. And for once, I really like it. And I want to share it. With the sea of nobody that is reading this...

The things I write are a port of myself that only I know. A lot of people know a lot of things about me. But no one knows the part of me that stays up until 3 am writing until my hand hurts. No one know the part of me that cries because I'm overly empathetic. No one knows the part of me that is terrified of tomorrow. Of life. No one knows the part of my heart that breaks a little more every single day, just because I'm living a life that's only half-full. But then, I have so much. Why isn't it enough? Why isn't it ever enough? What more do I need? I wish I knew. Sometimes I hate people. But really, I only hate myself, because I can't say any of this to anyone. I can't bring myself to. Because there is no reason. There is no definitive reason that I feel the way I do.

Sometimes I envision my life so differently. I imagine that I never met him. And I went to college for music. And I did lots of drugs and smoked a pack every other day. And I wrote notebooks upon notebooks full of music. And I had a crappy car. And I paid for gas in change. And during the summer I just took public transportation to places. Far away places, all by myself. Just for the ride. Just to meet new people. And I saw places that most people never even know of, but that are beautiful in their own decrepit way. And I watched babies play and heard music in their laughter. And I took beautiful pictures of sad things with an old camera. And my heart constantly ached. And I searched and searched for peace. And I almost found it twice; once in Omaha and once in Nashville. But it was elusive. And that was the life I lived. In my head. And that was the only place I ever felt alive. In my head.

My prose is better than my poetry, clearly. Also, this is entirely fictional and not based on any of my real feelings whatsoever. I think.

2010-12-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

In love, life, and loss
We must deal with the costs
The world won't stop spinning for you

And all we can hope is that what we believe is the truth.

2010-12-21T18:24:00.001-08:00

I don't know what will happen
Tomorrow or next week
Sometimes the future makes me cry
So that I can barely speak

2010-12-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

Everyone thought we'd always be together
I stayed by your side through hard times and weather
Forgive me if I don't act like I used to
But the only thing that's changed is you

2010-12-19T13:49:00.001-08:00

I'll keep holding on to what I can't stand to miss

I won't let us fall
I won't let us fall apart
I won't let you fall
Unless you're falling in love with me

2010-12-18T21:54:00.000-08:00

Back then they were just two lonely kids
When they met, something happened, something big
Neither of them realized that it did
Neither of them expected anything like this

She caught his eye and later heart
With all her beauty and her charm
He won her over with his great big smile

She told him all about her life
He told her of his past gone by
And they enjoyed just talking for a while

Now it's been two years since that time
When both their lives changed on a dime
They fell in love so fast, so deep
Each the other's heart wished to keep
It's been near perfect ever since that day
And perfect they would always stay

They're still kids, but a little older
A little wiser, a little bolder
This growing up thing feels so strange

He's gone away to live his life
She's still at home just getting by
But it seems no matter what their love won't change

Now it's been two years since they met
Before their lives had changed just yet
When they fell in love so fast, so deep
Each the other's heart wished to keep
And it's still perfect, even from that day
And this way we will always stay

This Is Just For Me

2010-12-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to put it on my facebook, or tell people about it. But I will leave it public. Basically, I write. I don't particularly love any of it, but I'm still kind of proud of it. So I'm going to post my songs, poetry, whatever you want to call it, here. And whoever reads this can judge my inadequacies.

Baby please don't ask me to explain it
The truth is I couldn't if I tried
All I know is that you make me happy all the time
And there's just too many reasons why

I love you
For real, forever, and always

There's no telling how far down this road we'll travel
But one things for sure: what we have is something special
You knew from the start that you'd always have a firm hold on my heart
And there is nothing and no one in this world that I'd let break us apart

'Cause I love you
For real, forever, and always

You always know how to pick me up when I'm down
And you know they say, what goes around comes back around
So I hope that what you're giving me, I'm giving back to you
'Cause you don't know what a gift you give me in everything you do

So I've got to say,
I love you
For real, forever, and always

I guess for now I'll just post them chronologically. Not all of them, just the ones I like. Some of them will just be snipets that I like out of songs that I don't like. Yeah, that's all.